Day 39: A Convicted Heart

As I've been telling my kids (more and more bluntly as I realize how short their time is before Mom's perspective on their lives is relegated to somewhere deep in the compost pile), we speak to God through prayer and He often speaks to us though the Bible. That's why it's important to read your Bible regularly, Kids.

Last week, I read these verses from Revelation 21, which spoke to me in a new way:

⁶ He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. ⁷ Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children. ⁸ But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.”

 Now, I haven't spent much time in the book of Revelation since my preteen years, when I turned to the exciting dragon part on Sunday mornings when the sermon dragged on too long. (Kids: this is great way to stave off boredom during sermons without getting in trouble. No parent will give you The Look for reading your Bible! Oh wait, not sure I should be sharing that advice.) But I can tell you that these verses come almost at the very end of the whole Bible, during the most cathartic conclusion in all the world's literature. And this is a true story, no matter how symbolically you interpret Revelation to be. It's His ending, our ending, my ending. I am thirsty for His living water and eagerly anticipate taking my place in the world's only genuine Happily Ever After.

But this time, a different part of these verses jumped out at me: a sure sign that I the reader should be paying attention. Look back at the very first sin listed in verse 8. "Cowardly"??? What is "cowardly" doing among the despicable sins consigning certain sinners to the fiery lake. Is cowardliness really on par with vileness? murder? sexual immorality? idolatry? When I think cowardly, I think of the harmless lion in The Wizard of Oz, not burning sulfur. This gave me pause.

I am a convicted coward. I do not doubt my salvation or my place by Jesus' side in heaven, but cowardliness is a signature trait of my writing.Why is it so hard for me to write this blog compared to writing a work of fiction or a promotional piece for a pharmaceutical company? I was especially struck by my tendency to call my cowardliness by more innocuous or even virtuous names. Usually, it's "self consciousness" or "shyness". Sometimes, I smugly call it "modesty" or "humility". Oh, I'm not going to tell people about my cancer blog -- It wouldn't be modest to share the link. That would be self-promotion. Or pride. No, I'll just share it if someone specifically asks me about it. However, if I truly feel called to write, then writing is not an act of self-promotion but a calling. Right?

I am convicted to explore my motives and tendencies in prayer, to set them at God's feet and ask Him to blow away the chaff and leave me pure motives in keeping with His will. I will pray for boldness, the courage wield my pen without hesitation, to promote my Savior and His Kingdom, whether though my own experiences or through fiction or through some other means.

Whew, this is a big one! Lord, please help me. I don't even know where to start.