I've reached the 17th day in my "100 Days of Joy". Not the 17th consecutive day (alas!), but still worthwhile. As I said before, this exercise is about searching for and celebrating the joys in life rather than just going through the motion of living and getting through the day.
This exercise was inspired by, among other things, this article on the ancient practice of "examen", reflecting on our daily lives to see God's hand at work and to draw closer to Him.
Today, I am thinking about the joy of having a testimony of God's faithfulness in my life. My Bible study is examining the book of Daniel, and this week is the fourth chapter. That's the crazy one in which God disciplines Nebuchadnezzar for his pride by causing him to act like a beast for seven years. One of the most interesting things about this chapter is that the author is Nebuchadnezzar himself, writing to his amazing testimony as a sort of memo to "the peoples, nations and men of every language, who live in all the world". Another interesting detail: he writes "it is my pleasure to tell you" this story, of his pride and humiliation. The pleasure he feels is the joy of a powerful testimony.
That joy is mine too. I am glad I can look back on the difficult times in my life and see God's hand. I can see His providence, often the most amazing stories were during my darkest times. If my dark times were like a labyrinth, His grace usually didn't offer a trapdoor that removed me completely from the twisting passages. Rather, He sometimes provided a ball of string, like Theseus used in the story of the Minotaur. In these cases, I only need to doggedly follow. My bout with breast cancer was that sort of labyrinth. Other times, I had no ball of string to guide me. When I reached a blind alley and felt that there could be no way out, a way would appear: my eyes would adjust to see a hidden passage, or the walls would shift to reveal a new way. It is a joy to be able to look back and see.
This joy also reminds me of how far God still needs to take me in my learning. While I am able to look back and see His hand, I continue to pray for peace during the hardest of trials: the ones in which I do not fall through the trapdoor or receive the ball of string. I think about a recent flight in which the airplane flew through turbulent air. Due to a terrifying airplane experience many years ago, turbulence gives me severe anxiety. My heartbeat races, my palms sweat, I nearly pass out in fear. On this recent trip, I had no reason to fear for my life. But I sank in my seat, limp against the headrest in the dark, as soon as the turbulence began. As I lay there willing myself not to faint, I prayed desperately for a sense of peace, for a sense of God beside me. I don't want to be fearful. I want to be strong in all circumstances. When I die, I want to go calmly, knowing that I'm headed into my loving Savior's arms. I crave that degree of trust in God.
Lord, I know You are very real and very here. I know you are beside me, and I praise you for my testimony, the many times I have seen your work in my life. I pray that you will give me Your strength "in the moment" when I am fearful. Help me to trust You that much.
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